Lamentations of a Cleaning Lady

I clean houses. I enjoy doing the work and the satisfaction of giving someone a clean house when I am done. Sometimes, as with all things, I feel like venting. Today is one of them. So I have compiled a list of cleaning lady laments.

Please flush! Especially if you know I am coming to clean your house, flush all your toilets. I don't want to see your waste brewing in the toilet bowl before I clean it.

If you are home, be dressed. Better yet, don't be home. It is much easier for me to clean the house without anyone asking my opinions on whether you should rearrange the bookshelfs, what color you should paint the living room, etc.

If you or a family member are sick and going to be home, please let me know. We can arrange another time. But if your husband is going to be home sick in your 900 sq ft home, please tell him to be dressed and not sit on the couch in his underwear while I'm there cleaning You might want to see him that way, but I don't.

If you are always home when I come to clean, you know my routine. (It doesn't usually vary). If I start in the kitchen, don't go into the kitchen and start preparing your lunch when you hear my car pull up.

Don't tell your children that they don't have to pick up them rooms, because if you didn't have a messy house I wouldn't have a job. This teaches them disrespect for me, encourages laziness and if I can't see the floor in their bedroom, it won't get vacuumed.

Please don't start a project the morning of your cleaning day. If you would like the pantry torn apart and cleaned, please ask me so we can arrange a separate project day for this event or do it yourself. Cleaning the pantry is not part of the arrangement we have for a regular cleaning day.

I cannot make things look brand new after thirty years. I do not have a magic dust rag that when wiped over your water stained window sills that need to be refinished look like new. Same for the tub and tile that is so bad it needs to be replaced. No amount of work I do will remedy that situation.

I cannot do more than the right chemical cleaner can. I cannot remove rust without a rust remover and please do not expect me to. I don't have a magic wand.

Please don't lament to me that when you have been paying me $60 to clean your house for ten years and you are there the whole time I am cleaning and know that a spend 3 hours doing it, that you thought my rate was $15 for four hours. Okay, if you want four hours of cleaning it is going to cost you more. My rates have gone up over the last ten years, you might not be happy to find out you should be paying $75 for that three hours and would need to pay $100 for the four, especially when I only clean your house once every four to six weeks.

If you house is being cleaning once a month or so, I charge more. Your house is harder for me to clean than the ones that are cleaned every other week. Also, since you are once a month, there is always something special coming that you want to change the date for and I am willing to accomodate that. Please understand, when I don't work, I don't get paid. Your delay of two weeks, twice a year cuts me out of a month of pay. I don't mind doing this, but please remember that when you tell me you thought you should be getting four hours of cleaning instead of the three you have been getting for the past ten years.

Please remember that I am coming on the day I am coming. Gas and time are expensive. I do have a life.

If I am driving 50 miles round trip to clean your house and gas goes up to $5.00 a gallon, it would be nice to offer me some gas money since the price of driving to your house is dropping what I make by $12 each week. Especially when you are building a million $$$ vacation home. It think you could spare the extra $10.

After 18 years of working for you, telling me you are firing me because I work every other week in the summer instead of every week is lame. Why was this not an issue for the past 18 years, but became the issue when I voted against Obama and told you abortion was wrong. Oh well, your loss.

If you have dogs, please don't let me out when I come up the driveway. They jump up and scratch my van, jump on me and scratch me. Also, if your driveway is covered in ice, put some salt on it before I come so I don't fall and hurt myself.

Be grateful and when you didn't put ice on the driveway and I did fall, that I didn't sue you, as I am sure someone else would have.

Pick up the dog poop on the carpet before I come.

If I have allergic reaction to the smell in your house, please understand when I tell you I can no longer clean your house.

If it is 90 degrees outside, don't have the air condition set at 85 degrees. Same for winter. If you want to have your temp set that way great, but have the courtesy to have the house a reasonable temperture when I am there cleaning.

Remember, I am there cleaning up your mess, because you don't want to. Thanks.